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John and Suzannah came in to my office and sat down on either end of the coach. The tension was obvious. I looked at them both, "Who would like to start?" I asked.
Suzannah turned to John, hands clenched and began, "I can not do this all myself.
This is our wedding day – why will not you help me with this? "
John shifted uneasily and said "I mean come on, most of this stuff is, you know, girl stuff.
"But then it's just my wedding and I want it to be our wedding." Suzannah was discouraged and close to tears. "It is our wedding, I just can not get interested in every little decision, cut me a break, will you!" John was beginning to get angry and frustrated.
John's reaction is not unusual but unfortunate. Why? Because planning your wedding together builds the skills and obligations you will need in your marriage. If we examine what's involved in the planning process, the following skills and attitudes are vital.
Skill: Decision-making. People in successful marriages have learned how to negotiate and make decisions together so that they feel like a team. Marriage is about the dailiness of life which is filled with mundane decisions from: "What kind of sheets do we both like?" to: "Can not we cook anything besides chicken?" And, if you choose to have children, the decisions multiply exponentially. Developing skill in how to do this together is one of the main foundations of a healthy marriage and planning a wedding together is perfect practice. Nothing earth shattering is at stake and yet every small decision contributes to the overall "feel" the two of you want to create. So consequently, all the small decisions matter. You will learn a great deal about your partner as you go through this and you can build a foundation that includes trust, respect and support.
Attitude: Supportive Interest. Loving someone over time means learning to be interested in things you normally would not be. Why? Because you have chosen to live your life with someone else and being curious and interested in how they experience life is one of the many joys of marriage.
John may not care about all the many details in planning a wedding, but he loves Suzannah. If he changes his focus to being curious about how Suzannah is thinking, he can learn a great deal about his future partner. By asking why she likes or does not like a particular item, he would learn that his bride wants the traditional but with a unique twist. And Suzannah would learn that although John may not be interested in the actual item to be determined on, he is interested in her. That matters.
Skill: Money Management. Learning how to spend and save money together is an extremely important skill for the survival of your marriage. One of the main reasons marriages fail is due to ongoing financial stress. Most weddings have a budget that is either set by the parents or the couple themselves. How to manage this money so that the event approximates what you both want requires exercising skill in choosing, negotiating, compromising and restraint. Planning a wedding will give you practice in money management and in learning how to partner together in this very tricky area.
Attitude: Kindness. Because money can be so charged for people, the attitude I have found most helpful is kindness. We inherit a great many beliefs and fears about money from our family, our culture, and our peers. Some of them we know about, some of them are unconscious. Leaning how to make decisions around spending nicely, without blaming or shaming, is one of the most important attitudes you can cultivate.
"Okay, I think I get what you're saying here. Rather than just resenting all of these decisions as a waste of my time, you're telling me I can change focus and be curious about why Suzannah wants or likes something." John was thoughtful.
"Exactly, and you might be surprised to find you actually have an opinion, if you let yourself." I said.
"Well, I sort of do – I do not know what I want to give our guests as favors but I do know one thing, I want it to be gold." John said smiling.
"Okay, that will narrow things down some. Let me just say thanks,
I really like it when you tell me what you want. But why the gold? "Suzannah asked.
"Because I think what we have is gold and I want to share it." John said simply.
"Okay, let's go for the gold."
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Source by Kathleen Ball
