It’s scary – so I’m starting this blog as an avenue for expressing my feeling in the midst of this crisis. I live in the United States in a state that currently has under 10 cases as of March 15th. The outbreak isn’t big here yet, and maybe all the school closures and event cancellation will help keep it from ever becoming big. Maybe my state will learn from what’s happening in New York and Washington and we’ll be relatively okay.

But, maybe we won’t? 

It’s unknown – it’s unknownable at this point in time, and it scares me. It scares me for the health of my fellow human beings, it scares me because I live with someone who counts as vulnerable to this disease, it scares me because I work as a bank teller and will likely have to continue interacting with people and money unless it becomes hypercritical, it scares me because I’m planning a trip on April 20-23, it scares me because I’m planning to get married on May 23rd.

And I know everyone else is scared too, and I know other places have had their lives intensely impacted by the coronavirus. I’m not here to cast a woe is me tale and garner sympathy. I’m here to work out my feelings and maybe that will help someone else in a similar situation.

I feel incredibly conflicted about planning a wedding with a guest list of about 150 people in two and a half months when so many events are being cancelled and moved. So many places are restricting or recommending that large events be cancelled or postponed. My fiance and I absolutely do not want to postpone our wedding. We live long distance currently, and our personal belief systems prevent us from moving in together before marriage, and this crisis has definitely shown that I absolutely want to be with him when the going gets tough.

But facing the prospect of having to drastically change what our wedding looks like? That’s heartbreaking. My fiance is deeply connected with a large group of friends that have all been at each others’ weddings – I think it just kills him to consider a wedding without them. To him, a large celebration after the threat is over wouldn’t be the same, and I understand that.

I just feel so conflicted as we prepare to send our invitations for the possibility that we may be creating a dangerous situation for the virus to spread. Or that we have to uninvite many people in order to have a small wedding that doesn’t create undue danger.

There’s so many unknowns, and so much can change in the next two months, and I find it so hard to process. If anyone has any thoughts or feelings on their upcoming wedding during this pandemic – go ahead and share those with me and I’ll reshare to this blog.