My tumblr turned ten-years-old the other day, and despite the fact it is now an all-but-defunct blogging platform, I felt it would be a good place (for that exact reason to be honest) to try and get some of my brain out onto the screen.
I’ve always found it therapeutic to change my worries into words as it helps me sort through and make sense of them, even if it’s mainly incoherent ramblings.
When I look back ten years, I felt so full of dread and like I wasn’t capable of obtaining anything good in life.
I tried to explain it to Matt recently, it was as though, I saw people at a distance doing things they enjoyed, working in fulfilling jobs and getting degrees, but it was almost like I was watching it all happen from behind a screen and there was no way for me to grasp at the things I wanted. I didn’t even really know what I wanted to grasp at.
Anyway, fortunately, I am much happier in myself now, though I’m much angrier at the way the world has gone with regards to politics, social injustices (probably because I’ve tried to educate myself and I’m more aware now), and I feel like there’s very little I can do to help, other than to try and be better myself, and I am better than I was.
I look back at, well, not necessarily views I used to hold, because I’ve always been inherently left-wing, but probably just ignorances I had by default (mainly due to the views my family held, the media they consumed around me etc) because they didn’t affect me, not understanding the privilege I held, because when we’re young, we are the protagonist of our own life, and I think it’s only as you get older you start to understand other peoples experiences more.
I feel as though this is somewhere I’ve developed and will always continue to develop, by shutting my mouth and opening my ears, or trying to anyway!
I can look back and cringe at misguided things I used to say or do, never meaning any harm but, again, just not being aware of how fortunate I was.
No one will ever be perfect, but it’s better to try to be a good person than to not, I think, and I hope that the cringing is something most people can relate to, and take it to mean we are becoming better people.
This bloody Covid-19 then, whew.
At first, I was pretty blase about it, mainly because the right-wing press did similar ‘scare tactics’ with Bird Flu and Swine Flu. I actually got Swine Flu in 2016 and although it felt like I’d been battered for several hours with a bag of bricks, I lived to tell the tale.
First of all, it’s an awful pandemic, I don’t want anyone to die obviously, and the rate at which it is spreading is scary.
I am scared, not for me, but for the vulnerable, the elderly, and the people who have pre-existing medical conditions.
I’m also worried for people who will face relapses in their mental health because they’re having to spend extended periods of time alone in the house, or with unsupportive family, or abusive partners, the list goes on.
Our Wedding, which should be on the 30th May this year (my Grandmother’s 78th Birthday, she is so looking forward to it as well), may have to be postponed.
Matt’s stag do is at a festival in Spain, which is due to take place on May 1st, so we’re essentially 100% certain that will be cancelled.
My Hen Weekend, a couple of weeks later, has a small possibility of still going ahead, as we have a private villa hired in Marbella with a pool etc, so even if the bars and clubs are closed (I don’t like clubbing much anyway!) we could still fly over, enjoy the pool and eat and drink in the villa, but it’s a big ‘if’ at the moment because flights are suspended, and even if Spain is no longer on lockdown then, the UK may well be.
We also have guests supposed to by flying in from Australia and San Francisco, regardless of what happens with the wedding, I just can’t see that happening now.
The wedding itself, well, our photographer has strongly recommended that we postpone it now so we are guaranteed to get a date at our venue later this year, but the lady we’re dealing with at our venue is away until Thursday, so I’m going to see what she thinks then.
In the US, as of today, gatherings of 50 people or more are banned for the next 8 weeks, which takes us up to two weeks before my wedding (we have 94 guests planning to attend, including the folk from abroad).
The UK has put no such measures in place yet, but they are definitely coming, so it all rests on what the restrictions are and how long they will last for.
Part of me thinks, just postpone it now, so that we’ve not got this hanging over our heads during the wedding, but then, no one really knows when it will all be over by, some news sources think it could carry on until Spring next year (dying down over Summer, but resurfacing in November).
Whatever happens with our wedding, my main hope is for this all to be over with sooner rather than later, and for my Grandparents, and close friends with pre-existing conditions, to remain healthy.
I’m in a fortunate position in that I live with my lovely fiance and dog, so the thought of being stuck in my house for a few weeks doesn’t bother me too much (though it’ll be a bit annoying if I can’t take the dog out for a walk), so everything needs to be put into perspective really.
Anyway, whatever happens, happens! I just needed to get all of this out somewhere.
Maybe if the whole world does end up in lockdown for a few weeks Tumblr will make a comeback? Probably not.